When the Irish come to Town

'Hi Ya'. 

Two words spoken high pitched with laughs either side start my weekend. Goal, catch up have some craic, generally get massively wasted, do the robot, speak crap and take the piss out of how each of us has changed in the last year. Yup you might of guessed it, had an old irish buddy over for the weekend, this one in particular could write a book R rated on my passed, mostly drunk'n, Shenanigans.

'Any Craic' 

We chatter away as she collected me from work to walk me from the urban mecca that is Bromley South station back to central London. Of course being Irish, this female friends luggage should be a small suitcase with wheels, possible pink with butterflies or purple with rabbits or some crap, ah but no, you don't understand the irish you see ' sure what would you fit in that, I'm taking my boyfriends old gear bag'. Cut too an old Reebok retro 90's gear bag. Grey in colour complete with standard haggard used to death look and a broken zip.  luckily for this bitch, my inner Catholic Gentleman, aka ( having a vagina makes it physically impossible to carry your own bag) , she's a lady stuck in and i opted to carry the gypsy bag, (destroying my perfectly chosen 'i'm a stylish man in London' outfit complete with sunglasses), - oh well! This is only just getting started.


The travel bag


'Its mad busy isn't it'

I've been living in London for awhile now.  A milestone 2 years at the end of may. So its safe to say i get a shower of mad bastards coming over to see the big smoke every few months, ( if theres a chance of a big drinking night, the irish are there with fucking shot glasses). Being one of them myself,  i shall do my social duty and provide a warning. If you ever stick a Irish person in london public transport they will always react in the same way.  No matter how cultured and travelled, no matter the up bringing class, whether there from the dire bog lands in high Kerry Mountains, or D4 Dublin YAR YAR'r's Irish people always do the same thing around london and especially on the tube. Curse and apologise awkwardly.

1) Cursing.  'Christ its busy!' 'Fuck me, this tube thing is packed', ' Is it always this shagging warm on dis thing?' 'Tis very handy alright, better then the bus at home. ' and do you use it a lot? I wouldn't be able for it, too stressful altogether'.

2) - Apologise awkwardly. 'shit sorry' ' Sorry Shit' OH christ, shit sorry, will you go around me for gods sake, Sorry about that'.  oh sorry, why do you we have to stand to the right?' - We just do alright!

Bridge,being one of my best friends, came over for a concert with me 'Two Door Cinema Club' (They were good enough ya) - Course being me ( which you will get to know very well) we were running late (our major priority was to consume at lest 2 drinks before getting there, 3 if we could down wine and beer, neither of us could). What do you mean thats very Irish?


 A couple of central pubs later, the evening was rounded off, in G.A.Y HEAVEN with some fellow gay's in toe.  Throw in a made up dance routine to FIVE'S 90's number 'keep on movin' (Dont lie you know it, and you LOVE IT  BITCH) too many double vodkas, a sickening bus journey home ('what do you mean it takes 30 minutes to get home by bus, are you off your fucking rocker? You wouldn't get this at home na not at all at all, 5 minutes in a cab, i was in the local the other night, got a cab right out front was home by 2:15 boiling the kettle). We did have tea to heat us up after the freezing walk from the bus stop to my house. Well actually correction i had tea while the others scorned me for doing so. Cut to us 6 in the morning turning on a movie to drift us off to sleep. Sounds like a top notch night to me my friend and if you haven't experienced the same, please do so immediately.

'Im hung over to fuck'

Well after all that, there was only one mutual feeling going round sunday morning. Seedy with a side of 'my throats as dry as fuck'. As Bridge was only over for the 2 days, the guilt set in and the bed was not just not an option for the day. No matter how we both yearned for it. Yup.   I needed to show my buddy around the sights.  After a fry up in a lovely cafe across the road. We settled on doing one touristy thing and a leisurely walk about central london taking in the culture and many land marks. Or just the touristy thing, whatever we weren't that arsed to be honest.  What did we think up of doing in this urban mecca of culture art, music, beautiful and breath taking scenery? Well The London Dungeons of course. (Now moved to under the london Eye to make it even more realistic NOT!)

In our past myself and Bridge lived together back in more youthful and carefree days,  we were both 19 living in Dublin. This was the stage in our lives when we weirdly grew this odd obsession with watching horror movies any night we weren't going out, so basically a Monday, Tuesday and Wednesday night.  This meant we got little to no sleep on the account of being scared shitless each night. Whether it was the sleep deprivation or the movies, or a combination of both We slowly started believing any of the obscured movie plots could take place in our very own house. Bare in mine we lived in mid 70's family home,  in the south (posh part) of Dublin city.  It didn't seem to matter how ridiculous the plot line was. Giant tree from forest steals catholic school girls one by one from a boarding school and turns them into trees (no joke one of the actual plots) would have us giving each other the 'oh my god thats so scary' look to each other, and then a dodgy look towards the nearest plant.

God help us if someone walked passed the window of our sitting room (curtain was permanently closed so give the house a permanent night time effect). This also helped to  hide our sordid affairs from our neighbours. Being conscious we lived in a family friendly drive where kids rode bikes and played on the road  is that ever really safe?) it was safer to keep the curtains closed. Or we were so care free we  rarely noticed the curtains were closed.  Which ever the reason, it stopped them seeing us dare each other to jump over chairs, strip or dress up while completely off our rockers drunk at 2 in the afternoon. Thank you Tesco vodka.   

Back to my point we both love to be scared! As i mentioned 2 years living in london, in this entire time i have safely avoided this kind of money waste tourist trap. as i thought to be honest it would be a complete load of shite, heaving at the gash with spanish and Chinese tourists wearing the most gigantic cameras around there throbbing necks. Recently i had heard good things, and with the draw of getting a good scare, or getting to see someone punch someone, we were in.  I was told a story that when the people jump out at you that many a actor in the dungeons tour have in the past, received a punch or two.  I guess this is due to scarring the wrong person. Also bridge very frugally had a two for one voucher (thank you Kellogg's) or we might never have done it (have you seen the prices of these things?)

Wont lie, i was right about the tourist minus the cameras as they were not allowed (thank you god). The tour, the dungeon, the atmosphere, the scares, the sets, the rides and even the  stories. They turned out to be fecking brilliant. We totally bought into it hook line and sinker. It was hard to convince yourself you were in a set up scare tactic tour, instead you find yourself believing and jumping out of your skin from fright then doubling over in hysterics at each others reactions.  Massive shout out to the actors, top notch work, really was. Being us we did have our embarrassing moments even in this hyped up emotional ride. 

Me & Bridge Lodon Dungeons April 2013


While everyone was screaming at the appropriate times i.e someone jumping out at us, the lights being off and loud noises and the likes. Me and bridge choose different situation to show our fears. I shall share a example of Bridges and mine. 

Bridges = a man touching her elbow by a mistake while we were all really quiet ( she screamed like a girl) much to my tutting and laughter.

Mine = A man sneezing while a dialogue was being forced by one of the many actors you meet along the way = had me screaming ' AHH JESUS CHRIST' at the very top of my voice, the spanish co tourers were very puzzled.

To help anyone going on the tour be ready for the ups and downs, I shall point out some things to be aware of before you part take in the London Dungeons. My little list might just help you be better prepared. 

1) - May be a little wet = you get fecking soaked, from the boat ride it bloody drenches you with water.
2) - Some queuing up is necessary = You queue up for a solid 45 minutes before you even pay. You are then walking around the dungeons for 99% of the tour. Walking is a require part taking activity of this tour wear flats ladies. 
3) - Restricted bathroom access = One bathroom at the start of the tour 1: 30 minutes later the tour ends, pee your pants along the way or hold it, the choice is yours.


The weekend came to a close monday morning when Bridge had to catch her flight back to Belfast. I did drop her off at Victoria to get the gatwick express and had to shout after her to not board the wrong train. Would i expect any thing else? Not at all, at all!

One the best weekends i had in ages, miss you already Bridge.

Until next time my readers.

Laters Ray Patrick 

If you read this far, congratulations, you have read my first installation into my blog series, i will try to post one each month to start with and maybe more if i think its funny enough, please share if you like it or give me feedback if you want :) 


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