Summertime minus the good weather


The weather today could only be described as dull with a some what sporadic sprinkle of break through the clouds sunshine. The same as it as has been for days now or weeks. In other words - it's summer time in Great Britain and Ireland. Before me,  from this coffee shop window I see many Londoners and tourists and some drug addicts too donned in shorts and tank tops even flip flops.  I myself am no - pretty dam covered up, t as I do not like exposing my body when it's not sunny & hot as I am not total spas. Shorts, ok i  can get on board with, but not the dreaded flip flop. Really? Are we walking down the beach in sunny Marbella or walking down a side street in dull cast London? I don't fancy seeing your rank athletic foot infested feet thanks bitch. ( On the topic of feet has any one ever seen a person cut there toe nails on the tube? Seriously you filthy hobo no one wants that shit as they devour  there crime novel as the tube shuffles along at rush hour!).

Also have you ever noticed how surprised and upset people get about how crap the weather is? ' it's so cold out today - and this is meant to be our summer, what a bloody joke.' Sorry  tards where have you all been living these last few years, why the tone of surprise when it rains - hello it's what this region of the world is feckin known for.  I love a bit of sun like anyone else, but de-test the complaints when it goes away. As i don't live in spain, this is what i have come to expect, so enjoy what we get and be done with it please.

You can Park up here

Ok so there are a few truly stunning days of actual heat that occur during the summer. As I'm now city bound and not surround by green I, like the rest of London, sprint to the nearest park to lounge about with a book, drink with friends or lets face it - check out the talent around us.  London has parks in abundance and I've been to feck loads but there are now a few I tend to avoid over various awkward situation - what's that you say do tell? 

One sunny Saturday this time last summer I, after a fruitful shopping trip to Topman, ended up going to Russell Square - which at the time I had worked next to for over a year. This park was the second choice on our sunny lunch breaks. ( first choice was behind holburn tube as there was in general fitter people! ) . I settled down as you know yourself, got my top off used it as a pillow - took out the old kindle and started to read. The park was very empty at the time. I was enjoying the extra arm space. Up pops this older man with a big beer belly. This  older gentleman  (I use this term loosely on this one) stationed himself a couple of feet from me and started to mutter away to himself ('yes yes yes this will do nicely ..... Yes yes yes nice and sunny'.) innocent enough to start with. He then proceeds to take his top off, like everyone other male in the park, but he does not stop there, this guy then starts to take off his pants, ( i must stress this is not something anyone wants to see at all at all) ( the fucker really did) and spread himself eagle on the grass. (' oh the sun feels so nice yes yes yes.')  I really don't fancy being this close to a near naked stranger it unnerves me.  So I try the good old never fails , shuffle to the side, to increase the distance between us. After a few extra feet has been made I try to return to my book. Fatty on the other hand proceeds to shuffle in my direction and turn onto his stomach and lower his baggy Y fronts under his ass cheeks so it can get some much needed sun too - yuck (pale as the moon it was, and no i didn't want to look but it was one of those things that i couldn't help but see) Did I mention he smelled? Awkward enough already he continued to mutter, ('oh that feels nice on my bum bum yes yes'.) This is where I packed up my shit and exited that situation pronto.

No Buskers allowed

 I have since tried to give this park another go however a idiot was forcing his crappy guitar playing on us. Seriously you selfish bastard this is everyone's day off stop ruining it with your James Morrison covers you twat.  Every time there was a lull between his numbers I foolishly allowed myself to think, ‘oh good he gave up or great he’s done’  ahhh but no the determined bastard carried on. You must never underestimate these people, they actually do it for the joy of bringing music to others, or showing off how good they are which ever the fuck.  Who gives a dam if your not interest cause these guys will play anyway - hurrah.......NOT!  Im sure he was only waiting for someone to pop up and go ‘You’re so talented!’ ‘ You should try out for The Voice etc’ - no one did, so he continued his onslaught of power ballads via guitar until everyone else in the park vacated, and believe me we did.  Back home in the old days, a similar situation came about. 

There we were, in a park  ( Fitzgerald's Park for those in the homeland) drinking away in the sunshine back in the good old days of college. Then out of nowhere like an unwelcome warm smelling fart,  up pops a ‘i dress differently so you think im cool‘ guy holding on tightly to an ancient looking guitar (complete with 'Music Is My Life' sticker - how very  cliché).  Clearly this guy did not know his audience and was some how thinking this was London fields where his music might fit it and even be cherished and welcomed, no this is Fitzgerald's Park on the north-side of Cork city.  The fella starts off with his first song, during a particularly low point in the song, someone shouts out, louder then his singing' You're shit'.  Everyone laughs.  My hero. 

Good Old Festivals and Carnivals.

It's the one time a year were concerts and festivals are in abundance. The only choice is which one your going to / which one can you afford. Old days I loved a good festival. Oxygen,  global gathering etc count me in.  I love a good carnival too, basically i love anything that means drinking is accepted during the day.   About 2 summers ago I frequented Notting Hill Carnival with the lovely Sarah and Narelle. This turned out to be a epic day of street drinking and dancing to Jamaican music. Also was the day I realised how I rely upon heavily on a bottle opener to get access to my booze.   Not a easy thing to do on the streets of Nothing hill. If your every considering street drinking - please i encourage you, get a key ring version of bottle opener. Saves lives people.   I should point out it was neither sunny or warm that day, but when your wearing your beer coat and vodka gloves every day is club tropicana.

Drunken Dancing
We got completely trashed and danced like idiots. At one point when looking for a bathroom a couple of nice strangers called us over to point us in the direction of the nearest toilet - apparently it was down In the steps of a big old house. Cut to us all pissing in a front garden while the residents cradled each other in fear as this witness strangers running there beautiful sculpted flowers with our urine and drunken talk. Not our proudest moments. 

Ever notice that when lining up for a bathroom when needing the loo while heavily intoxicated causes us humans to create life long bonds with the fellow drunks in the line? 'Oh wow what's your name? Your so pretty - let's be friends for ever!!! As soon as you leave the bathroom after the ecstasy feeling of pissing out your beer and vodka cokes - you leave your new friend behind and delete there number and never think of them again unless they have the nerve to keep your number and text you. This is promptly deleted. 

At Notting Hill festival they also gave out these great horns for free which aloud us to blow it loudly  Into each other ears (and unsuspecting strangers) to cause permanent damage. (Seriously I don't think my hearing was ever the same again.)  This was also my first experience of using the street urinals much to Sarah and Narelle’s laughter - wow this post talks alot about pissing don't it? Sorry about that guess its a big part of being drunk! breaking the seal as you girls saw.

Outside the long toilet Queue

After a tube ride which I have no recollection of we ended up in the girls favourite restaurant in Angel. I don't remember the name of it for the life of me! We sat out side and order loads of food. The meal was ended with having a dispute with a hobo who came along and tried to steal food off our table, I tried to stop him - which prompted him to say ' looks like you need the food more then me, you boney fucker' - I retaliated with the ever so classy - at lest I have a home! ( he started it I will remind you not me). 

Barbecue anyone? 

Barbecue - apparently when sunny,  everyone is doing them.  I don't know about your experience but for me, a barbecue being planned is a sure way of changing the tropical forecast to lashing rain with a side of extreme gusts of wind. The food comes in two varieties. Cooked in the oven first to insure it actually is good and then burnt on a Sainsbury’s  disposable barbecue or, cooked fully on the barbecue which leaves you toilet bound not knowing which end it will be coming out of until the small hours of the night.  Enough said, i avoid the food but drink plenty.  Im pretty good at arriving after the food has been served.  which allows me to start straight into drinking and urging people to go out to a club instead of staying in the house all night that now smells of burnt sausage all night.

Walk in the Sun

Probably what you would find me doing most on a sunny day, is simply walking around the place, trying to catch a bit of sun and do a bit of shopping too... well more about the shopping and if i get a little sun thats good too i suppose, not fussed.  Camden is great in the sun, brings out all sorts of people. I was sitting by the water in camden a few weeks back when the sun first hit,  just by the lock when a old man started dancing to his music extremely vigioursly.  Alot of ‘point to the DJ and Build a wall’ moves he was certainly rocking.  It amused me for awhile, until a group of folky alternative crew rolled up and starting singing ‘Wiskey in the jar’, enough said. As we were leaving a mean ass duck started to attack people along the water obviously he was annoyed by the music too. 

Another time when one of my  oldest, and best friends Sinéad was over on a sunny weekend a trip to camden was a must. We were accompanied by the giggle giggle Elaine. Inside one of them club/shop places we were making fun of some stall full of crap - i picked up a shirt which had the Apple Logo on each sleeve to point out - tried to take a photo of it, and was harassed by the designer, ‘ You cant take photos of MY DESIGNS!!!!’ alright bitch calm the hell down - pretty rich seeing as it wasn’t exactly her design...... logo stealing fool! In this same trip, lost in a sea of stalls all selling the exact same tank tops and t-shirts, i was mistaken for a girl ‘ EXCUSE ME MISS.....OHHHHH your A  BOY!!! ‘ he then proceeded to laugh loudly and encourage his co workers to join in, feckin bastard.  That is not something i was able to live down for long time. 

This i think sums up what summer means to me these days.  Possible it means the same too you.  Either way i hope you enjoyed reading my post. If not its a bit fecking late, we are at the end of the post! 


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