Heat Wave Behaviour

Heat Wave Behaviour

Given the current trend in extreme heat we are experiencing, i couldn’t help but make my blog yet again topical and reflect on this ‘summer summer summer time.....’ ( your supposed to sing those words) weather while we are still basking in its glorious rays. From my last entry i had no iota that the heat would actually last this long, how lucky are we its like we relocated to spain or something eh? Almost a entire month of nothing but sun sun sun. Now what will everyone complain about? Oh i know. ‘its so hot at night, i cant sleep a wink not a wink’. ‘I’m the same, i sleep out side the covers now, OUTSIDE THE COVERS can you believe such a thing’. ‘Thats nothing Mary, i sleep bollox naked inside my fridge freezer, you have too sure, how else will you get any sleep at all?’. For once in my life i am sleeping perfectly sound. What ever it is about the hot air and high temperatures i go comatose and get the good eight hours of sleep needed each night.  Keep it coming.

Please have some topless etiquette 

I know we are all bloody hot. I also know we are all trying to get our tan on. But there is really a time and a place for all this walking around near nude. For instance at home, yes your welcome to take your top off, and walk around like a dirty whore. That is your prerogative. In the park trying to catch some z’s while mr sunshine bronzes up in and around your nipples sure thats grand, who doesn’t do that? But when did it become acceptable for weirdos to fecking go around the shops with no top on.  I don't know about you, but ask me a question while I'm working and your topless, i wont be able to take it seriously as my eye will undoubtably be drawn to your nipples which are now as solid as mini shards courtesy of our incredible air conditioning. Just to clarify, i don’t work in some IT office where ‘Pete the Pervert’ wonders in on a monday topless ( still wearing a tie) to show off his bulging muscles.  I wish. No I'm talking retail where its every teen with wispy facial hair thinks there hardcore and cool enough to be topless. 

Why is it the guys that have nothing good to show are topless? Its all muffin tops with too much body hair and horribly dirty underwear up under the moobs.  Put it bloody away. I don't fancy vomiting everywhere today thanks.  Thankfully this trend is currently with one of the sex’s and is thankfully just a male thing.  ( No one fancies seeing flappy fiona walking around topless). One guy did go a whole lot further. I was on my commute home from work. Boarding a very packed Victoria line. The usual was happening i was dodging in and out of people ( practically trampling over them to get a seat).  I sit down and right across the way from me, there was this man, in his 50-60’s - sitting on the tube, in a pair of black underwear.  I would describe which ones, but i think i have mentally blocked them out. He had shoes on and was reading the paper with glasses on. There was a shy Chinese lady sitting next to him actually holding her nose.

On the topic of the tube. I was coming home from a friends birthday (Tom’s 25th) on a thursday evening on the piccadilly line.  It was around 11:00. From my days of 9-5 office work i could easily remember,  this is the time a fair amount of after work drunks are boarding the train in there trendy office gear after a couple of pints down the local Pitcher and Piano. The tube during the heat, is a sauna.  Which means, it tend to smell worse then usual. At this time of night, the smell of drink combined with the sweaty ass scent reminiscent of a gym is enough to knock bull out. One guy was swaying dangerously close to me smiling happily holding onto the bars. When at Kings Cross station, a lady across from me vacated her seat, he sat down with his head bent downwards swaying side to side. I think you know whats coming. He started to vomit buckets straight into his little man bag, Well, he attempted to vomit into his bag however, instead he projected it over his pants and shoes. Myself and any one close to him jumped up and walked to stand by the door, no fecking way am i letting some vomit get on me. Also it was starting to smell and run all over the floor.

Low and behold this bold as brace girl from the other side of the carriage starts darting forward. All the while banging her shopping bags and her McDonalds McFlurry at people in her attempt to get closer to the free seats. Her bags were hitting everyone as she passed and she couldn’t give a fuck.  She was going so fast i guess we didn't have time to warn her about the vomit. She walked straight into it in her hurry. It covered her little sparkly pumps.  Serves you right bitch.

Who loves short-shorts

i won’t deny i will follow most fashion trends.  This summer season for men especially, shorts have risen to new highs literally. But some of you guys out there are actually taking the piss. Above the knee, yes by all means wear it will pleasure a little light folding of the hem line is always nice, and  is key for any summer ensemble.  For ladies, if we can see your ass cheek lines, or some good old fashioned camel toe then its a no. But worse then that, is the guys going around in shorts so short they show your bollox hanging out... well almost. I was caught in a elevator with one guy sporting short shorts so short (the word is starting to loose meaning) that you could literally nearly see ball-bag on the cusp of view. 

Primrose Hill

I hadn’t actually frequented this park until recently. Two weeks ago i went on a sunday for the day. (after much nagging by Chris). Me Chris and Elaine met in Camden to head for the hill, to get our sunbath on and catch up.  The park itself is actually pretty spectacular with view’s of all of central London (so Chris says) and you could even walk from there to Regents park so theoretically you can walk all the way into to central London  ( so Chris also says) - not that i fucking would in this heat. 

Chris & Elaine - Primrose Hill

We pitched ourselves on the top of the hill and began to eat our sandwiches from Sainsburys and already warm beer... yum.  We were not alone in picking this park as our sunday destination the place was jointed with people all skimpily dressed.  When i say all kinds of people i mean all, what is it about parks that bring out the weirdos ( yes i moan about this a lot). For instance there was group of girls trying to sunbath a little ahead of us on the hill when some guy pulled up and was talking away to them, i instantly thought they must know the guy, and were having a good old chin wag about times passed, alas no Elaine informs me that this guy just pulled up and proceeded to chat these girls up.  Very awkward as he was passed 40 and they were ranging in ages 18 - 25. He was bald fat and wearing ski sun glasses ( Do people not know the difference?). This guy completed his look with  socks in sandals. Nothing worse then having to hear awkward conversation being pulled out of  strangers from a over friendly guy who doesn’t take a fucking hint. ‘ Ya so i am super excited, totes  going to my friends little girls birthday tomorrow i cant wait there going to have a bouncy castle’ - ‘oh do you have a child’ - (one of the girls pips up)  ‘no no im single’. awkward. 

After a brief period of him leaving, he pops back, this time with supplies. Thats right he was here to stay it seems and these girls looked far to nice to give him the much needed ‘Would you ever fuck off’.  He was the only weirdo, this homeless fell came bustling up the hill and came right up to where we all sat and shouted ‘ IM NOT GAY BUT IM ONE OF YOU’.... we all just looked at him ( well gave him dirty looks’) - he stood there awkwardly for a second or two before walking off. 

Remember how i talked about too-short short shorts? The man in his underwear on the tube? You know whats worse? A middle aged man in Tighty-whities playing football with his son. At lest i hope it was his son.  They started playing with a football running up the hill to everyones fucking annoyance.  At one point he came running right by us and i thought his balls were going to hit poor Elaine in the face.  He had put his wallet in front of his balls for safe keeping, or to make himself look bigger. I think the worse part of this ordeal was the fact he was sweaty as fuck. Im guessing he presumed everyone was enjoying his little show.  This was a massive NOPE. The tuts as he passed were fairly audible. These combined with our, ‘ oh for fuck sake the underwear guy is back, will he ever fuck off’ YUK.  Every time you might think it was safe to open your  eyes this fecker turned up again gyrating his crotch all over the place. (each time he was more burnt then the last).

Towards the afternoon we strolled back into camden to have a drink in a beer garden of some sort. We were by Camden lock when low and behold some mad fellow dived into the lock and was swimming around amongst the used condom and shopping rubbish. YUKKKK. This was to the delight of all the chavy esc people around who were carrying there slabs of Cider (topless again).


One thing for sure, there is  a consequence of this strangely brilliant weather in a country full of people that are not used. Many of us out there are suffering from awkward tan lines. I myself seem to have extremely tanned feet, not so tanned middle leg and then very tanned thighs sigh.... Another consequences is high expectations. I think its safe to say we are all completely used to having this hot weather, to the point were a little cocky. (i for one presume i  will be in shorts in the morning and plan accordingly). As the heat has reached the dizzy highs of the 30’s when its 24-25, we say things like ‘oh its nice and cool today for a change’. What happens when the bad weather returns, what will happen? ‘A man has died of hypothermia today. It is been confirmed he was topless and wearing short-shorts.  It has since been confirmed the condition started in his exposed testicle’.

Very tanned Feet
I shall continue to enjoy this heat for as long as we have it and when it returns to the expected - i will quietly mourn my fading sun tan in a quiet corner as to not disturb anyone. As that is the decent thing to do. 

Another post finished, hope you enjoyed. 


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