You Know what Really Bugs Me: Socialising Edition
There is nothing i enjoy more then going out with friends and socialising. Whether this is catching up over a bite to eat, or hitting the tiles with a couple of drinks, I'm all for it. Given my nature it is undoubtedly that i will take note of the awkward and plan annoyances that can come up around these events. So here we go, a list of ‘You know what really bugs me’ Socialising edition.
Softly blow drying your hands
Your enjoying a last minute catch up with a best mate. Your having a whale of a time, gossiping about those mutual friends that no one really likes. You excuse yourself to quickly pop to the bathroom to do your business and intend on returning before the starters arrive. You wash your handles carefully as to not spread germs as your a careful mother fucker. The soap is cheap and therefore you will be smelling it for days off as it never seems to wash off. You turn, catch sight of the hand dryer, your heart stops. Its one of those non branded hand dryers simply labelled ‘blow dryer’. You sigh, and stick your sobbingly wet hands underneath them and hear the twenty year old engine inside kick start like its working off gasoline. You then spend the next ten minutes dangling your hands shaking them back and forth to encourage active drying, while the air pressure getting realised draws up the imagery of a elderly man blowing all over your hands releasing more moisture from inside the nozzle onto your hands then was there on your hands in the first place. You then give up after twelve minutes and spend the next thirty minutes whipping your hands off your jeans, the table cloth, your friends hair when she's not looking, the passing waiting, anything really to try and dry them up and avoid the droplets of still remarkable soapy water dropping into your Pasta. The moral of this story, restaurants please update your bloody hand dryers or have a tissue option please.
Awkwardly checking for change
You’re enjoying your night out, Bopping along to the abba mega-mix. You finish the vodka and coke in you’re hand and decide its a most opportune moment to quickly visit the bathroom before buying you’re next beverage. You walk into the bathroom and smell a mixture of cheap aftershave and incense. Crap. they have a bathroom attended. You rush to the cubical and do your business. You then come of the cubicle and wash your hands quickly while actively trying to avoid eye contact. There is no hand dryer inside the bathroom and as you quickly dart your eyes back and forth in a urgent search, not even the old man one. You see out of the corner of your eye the toilet attended is already trying to hand you a tissue (single) to dry your hands. You have no choice but to take it and mutter a thanks. Next begins the awkward checking of pockets for change to tip with. I tend not to carry cash. So i know the search is futile but its all part of the dance. You then have to look shocked that you have no change and say sorry ‘ I’ll be back in a while and il have change’ you promise as you head to the door. You leave the premise immediately as to avoid needing the bathroom again.
Is Everything ok for you sir?
Anytime im in a restaurant it seems to be a inevitable situation to happen. you will be digging into my pasta dish. Just as you shovel a particularly large quantity of pasta into your mouth, the waiter will fly up out of nowhere, as it he fell from the sky and ask ‘ is everything ok for you sir?’. Cheers, you now have to answer back with a muffled mouth full of food and use hand gestures and head nods to get the point across ‘ ‘LOFFFELY SHERNKS’ all while nodding furiously and giving him a thumbs up. I sometimes wonder do the waiters have a bet on as to who they can create the most awkward check up situation with on any given night. Could they not use a little situational awareness and come up and ask when I'm about to take a sip of water? no, and i tell you why, because they are being sadistic bastards on purpose and take great pleasure in making you feel embarrassed and awkward.
Catching there Eye
Its that time of the evening where you have to play eye catch with your rushed off his feet waiter. Why is it, that through out the entire dinner when you and your friend are having a both serious an incredibly private conversation that you cannot get rid of the waiter. But when it comes to try and ask for the check they are nowhere to be seen? ’It looks like, I'm going to get fired, i don't know how i’m going to pay the rent, I'm all alone - ‘ anything from the drinks menu guys?’ interrupts your overly chirpy waiter wearing a cowboy hat doing line dancing back and forth while juggling coke cans set on fire. When it comes to getting the check you only ever seem to see one waiter who is content with avoiding your eye. You obviously revert to the teacher student role and try putting your hand up in the air, but to no avail. So you try putting your hand in the air and swinging it side to side like your just don't care. Nope it seems no one works here. You take one side glance at the desert menu, up pops the waiter, draped over a piano seductively telling you how there chocolate mouse tart has won numerous awards. Standardly you try then to advise you really are just too full of any more desert and would simply like the bill. He then puts his finger to your lips and utters ‘ SHUSSSHHHH’ take your time deciding il come back in a minute. No you wont, don't lie to me. Dam it!
Would you like to add a gratitude Charge?
This is new fangled and incredibly tricky. Now when paying by card, they have caught on that its incredibly easy to avoid leaving a tip. You can do the whole no change awkward search and mutter next time as you wave from the door. Hey you just got away without having to give a tip to the waiter who kept disappearing. Now though they have that awkward, would you like to add a gratitude charge to your bill, YES OR NO on the card machine. The waiter will in every single instance stand right next to you and look over your shoulder to see what you select. Mistakenly with this i have said yes before and added five pounds by mistake. I was too embarrassed to ask how to un do this overly generous tip at a burger bar where the waiter was a twat so i let it be. However i have equally made the mistake of being a little tipsy and saying yes and only tipping 1 penny to a over the top lovely waiter. What a slap in the face, i confess i still feel a little guilty for this. I can safely say i am just glad i live in london and tipping is not overly expected and i can simply say No on the machine. Each time i do i still feel a little shame.
Know your Round
Im Irish. Don't know if you guessed it before but i thought it would be best to bring it up now. One thing the majority of Irish people do not like people to think of them is as ‘cheap’. Nothing worse. Given that, doing rounds on a night-out can be dangerous as there inevitable be a shirker along for the ride. All my friends know these rules like the back of there hand and are quick to recognise when the glasses are empty and its there turn to frequent the bar, nothing worse thought when someone in the group doesn’t see the urgency or tries to avoid it. They will of course be deemed as cheap. When there name comes up from now on, no matter how much time has passed, someone will always refer to them as ‘ Oh he/she is very cheap’. If your reading this and thinking, god I'm very lucky non of my friends or social circles are like this, then i hate to break it to you, you are the ‘cheap one’. Also if you recognise that your the one that seems to get away with a few extra free drinks and think that no one remembers oh they do. Bitch they certainly do.