Things that scare me, while in my late twenties
Have you ever woken up from a severe hangover and taken a harsh look in the mirror? Noticed the blotches on your skin, your hair style resembling that of a member of the band ''A flock of seagulls''? You look down at your arm and notice a stamp from some seedy underground nightclub you frequented last night. Your stomach. It doesn’t feel too healthy. Your clothes are scattered all over the floor, along with some random poster you decided to take from the club to bring home. If you are lucky enough there is no dreaded basic bitch lying at the other side of your bed. It is in this moment, this exact moment, you catch your own eye in the mirror and think, ''What the hell am i doing with my life?'' That moment sucks. It is in this exact moment that I get that panic. The mid-late twenties panic. Usually by the afternoon my stomach settles and that will go away. Thinking of this, I have compiled a useful list. Things that scare you while you’re in your late twenties.
Everyone is Saving
Recently, I had the joy of sitting next to two girls aged around 20 discussing how much savings they have in the bank One was bragging about having more then the other when the other brought up quite rightly that she only had more as she was working since she was 15. Call me stupid. but savings at that age? Are you kidding me? All my money at that age went on ill -CDs (someone had to buy the Eminem albums) and boxsets of TV shows (Mostly Friends, sad I know). The rest was spent on sweets because that is what a normal 15 year old spends their discretionary income on. Cut to ten years later. Do I have that excuse? Probably not. I have savings that I dip into when needed because that is what they are there for right? Nothing panics me more than hearing people my own age or younger bragging about how much savings they have. You make me sick. Go buy something expensive you don't need right now: I demand it.
What am I doing? Saving. For a little bit. Then using that money to go on a holiday travelling across fashionable European destinations and staying in over priced hotels.
So I am at the age where many of my friends and acquaintances have invested in property whilst I continue to invest my money in clothes and technology. ‘I am so glad i finally made the plunge and bought the apartment, I feel so much better knowing my money is going towards my own mortgage rather then someone else’s, you know?’. Yes that makes absolute financial sense. Excuse me while I blow my money on, new shoes and drunken, debauched nights out that result in good stories to tell over dinner. As my comedic routine is all i have, I feel i am making the best investment for myself.
What am i doing instead of buying a house? Looking around sharpish for a guy who owns his own house so I can leech and move in. Kidding. He can buy it for me. As long as we don't live together: I am not ready for that shit.
So it begins. I am at that age. Friends are getting married. At the time of writing this blog post, i will actually be attending a wedding this weekend (Valentines day) of a Great Friend Catherine. I am extremely happy for her. However, it gives me great panic when people start pairing off and making it official while I'm still standing at the edge of dance floor, drinking my vodka with my friends.
Back in the day, us gay men had a ready made excuse. ‘when are you guys going to get it together officially?’. We can’t. It is not legal. Phew for that. That excuse is making a sharp exit and such no longer viable. Legalising gay marriage is coming up for referendum even at home in Ireland and many other countries have already legalised it. I am all for the right to get married. However, god damnit, I now have to put up with my gay friends getting engaged and spreading that happiness shit all over the social world.
What am I doing instead of getting married? Swiping and disliking the majority of people on Tinder while sharing the majority of the pictures I receive from ardent suitors with my friends to laugh about. Getting asked to go on a date and in the back of my mind thinking, slow down boy, we only met. Jesus.
I am not proud.
‘I had the best time back packing across Asia when i was 14 years old’. Consider me panicking about this situation. It seems everyone these days wants to go travelling. I get the draw, I do. As it is something i am now considering also. I am at that age when i have friends, younger and older who have either gone off travelling and loved it and come back. Or who never even came back. It seems to be the thing you have to experience, before life gets you. If you are anything like me, it gives you time to push everything off for a little bit of time. Yay, no more responsibility. My best friend Sinéad is making the jump, and leaves this weekend, I am very proud and jealous. This is what gets me panicked as I am always debating whether to give it all up and go. For me that means I have to give up everything in London, pack up all possessions and make the move home and leave. When i come back, I'll have to start from Ireland again. I think this is something i will be doing in very near future.
What did I do when everyone was travelling? Moved to London, settled down made friends for life. fell in love with the city and decided it is probably where I will end up seeing out my days. This one, I will never regret.
Career snakes and ladders
Nothing worse then being stuck in the pub surround by people who know exactly what they want to do with there life. Hello talk about being secure in your own skin. Shit, why don't i know? Most of my friends are on a very safe and structured career path that they chose and are very happy in. I love my job do not get me wrong. I also love my side projects such as writing, but i could not for the life of you tell you what i want to do for my life. The big secret is. No one does, they are all just better at hiding it.
What am i doing while all my friends become highly successful accountants? Changing my career path again all the while panicking that it Is the incorrect choice. ‘I'm going to be a mime artist. Fuck it, I got the passion, I got the statue like qualities, and look how steady my hand is,II'll be famous’.
Changing for better or worse
Recently at a friends dinner party, I was chatting to a couple of people discussing Soho in London. They were nice girls. Then bam. ‘When i was younger we used to all go to GAY late as it was like ridiculously cheap for drinks, like 2 pounds for a vodka. Can you believe that? We used to go on a Monday night imagine. It used to be packed with people.’. At this moment i look down at my arm and can see the GAY stamp still visible even after a vigorous scrubbing in the shower earlier. How embarrassing. I guess I will always be a wild one. What can I say? The conversation at a dinner party between friends usually will include a couple of tales of random wild nights they had when they were younger and how dangerous those drink fuelled nights could of been. Thinking back on the night before, I ended up with a squatters protest in an abandoned bar, all singing along to a guy on the guitar. How do I still end up on these nights? The reality of this topic is, i will never change this factor of my life no matter how old and settled I get. I love the randomness.
In reality, I do love my life. Do I want kids? Do I want to get married? Will I own a house? Who the hell knows? Maybe I'll try not to think about it as that would be conforming and that is something I know that I do not wish to do.