Welcome to our house share

One of the most soul destroying things you will ever do by far, in my humble opinion, is flat hunt in the bustling city of London.  Its not truly the process of moving that annoys me and deters me away from it, its the looking. More than the looking, its looking at ads online.  Is there anything less appealing? I’d rather be stabbed in the eye than look through any more ‘try hard’ ads by pretentious assholes with a fondness of kittens. Lets run through the kind of gold you would genuinely come across on a daily bases. No comedic license needed here.  The following will contain actual exerts from real life ads I have come across over the last few weeks online.  

‘Hello, bonjour, Guten Tag, Hola’ 

Why the hell do you have to say hello in so many languages? Are you trying to force feed me the obvious facts here, that the house is bi-lingual? That the house mates could cast an entire advert for the united colours of fucking bennetton? Piss off and choose one word. 

‘SPACIOUS double room with relaxed housemates in Brixtonâs Leafest Street’

Why are you yelling at me through my computer screen? Do you think if the word was not capitalised I would some how forget how to read the english language and fail to see the descriptive word alluding to the abundance of space?  When you say ‘relaxed housemates’, how relaxed are we talking? Do you walk into the kitchen to have your morning coco pops nude when everyone is home because you are all so relaxed? I don’t want that shit around me when I’m downing caffeine to wake me up. Why did you have to change the location of Brixton into another language? Are you trying to make it sound more trendy or less ghetto? Whats the point, if I have found the add, its probably because I set a search to look in that area, as I want to live there. Christ.  Does foliage along the sidewalk account for the spike in the rent price? do I look like a give a crap about leaf count? Do they have a certificate that proves it truly is the street with the greatest abundance of leafs?

‘You will be living with myself (Mary), Sylvia (She’s rarely there) and Ginger my darling cat’.

Is it me or did this ad suddenly get sad and depressing with a side of desperation. Your cat is not a person. Why are they listed in the people I would be potentially living with section? Are they going to take up precious bathroom time in the morning?  Are they allocated there own shelf in the fridge? Will she be chipping in for the carpet cleaners and much needed scented candles? She should be as the stink of shit is all her fault. 

‘We need someone who is clean, if you are not then please don't bother applying. As we don't wish to have someone we have to clean after . Just saying !’

What cleaner than the cat? Well I can guarantee I wont shit on the carpet and piss on the sofa if thats the level of standard we are going for here. Do they really think someone is going to be reading this ad and think ‘dam I was going to apply for this room, but I am a messy bugger and smear human waste on the walls so best not’. You are a 38 year old woman. You’re far to old to be adding sassy sign off’s. Just saying. 

‘Looking for one cool, guy / girl to take the large en-suite room to complete the house dynamic of 2 boys and 2 girl’

Whats your definition of cool here? Are we talking full blown teenage cool - blows off class, is rude to the teacher, gets suspended. Drinks during the day, beats up the nerds in his or her class? I have to tell you, this ‘cool’ person will not be able to afford the room as he works part time in Tesco’s collecting trolleys and has a serious drug problem.  Or are we talking hipster cool? too cool for cool’s own good, wears jumpers made out of chest hair, has no shoes, plays the synth and eats peaches exclusively as its the fruit of the gods? Think of the people he will have over and more importantly think of the smell of his feet. You know who isn’t cool? The guy that wrote this ad asking for someone ‘cool’. sigh.

‘we enjoy catching up and laughing over a glass of wine in the evenings. do you?’

Is this glass of wine particularly funny? Does it have a witty humour and make scathing remarks about people we all mutually know? is that why we are all laughing? Is it important I enjoy wine so much you add an accusatory question mark? Fuck you and your fucking funny wine glass and stupid question mark. 

‘We like to party and also nights in, DVD anyone’ 

when you say party do you mean it in the child’s party kind of way? I do enjoy a good round of pin the tale on the donkey and eating birthday cake while dressed as a princess. DVD’s how retro. Maybe this gentleman genuinely has no idea what a DVD is or stands for and is putting the question out to everyone. I don't think I could live with someone who doesn’t know what a DVD is. When adding the word anyone - you might as well add ‘ I’m incredibly lonely’.

‘We are more of a family then flatmates. If you’re going to spend all your time, in your room then you are not the one for us. Goodbye’

I will spend what ever amount of time in what ever room I wish too. I may spent all my time exclusively in the cupboard. If I choose to do so, that is my choice as I pay my fucking rent like you do. Are you threatening me? 

‘Our house is located a 5 minute walk to clapham junction station’

You lying sack of crap. I’ve done that walk many times. Its at lest 20 minutes. 

‘We're all professionals who currently live together’

How professional are you? What kind of professionals? Professional Hoe’s, Gangsters or Mobsters? Or maybe professional business men, from the 1920’s who were the last time I checked the last type of people that referred to themselves as a ‘Professional’ outside of some stupid metro newspaper statistic. Do you all smoke pipes, wear evening slippers and carry a briefcase and a pocket watch? If so then well played and good day to you sir.  Thank god you clarified that you live together. I was worried this ad was written by Ann, the local tramp that goes through your rubbish in the mornings and as such its super important the right type of person moves into said flat.

‘This thing won't let me post a link to the ad so have a look on Featherstone & Leigh's site or drop me an email and I'll send you the link’

How am I supposed to believe you’re professional when you blame you're tools this way?  You know the saying, a poor work man and all that. The ad should be edited to ‘we’re all unprofessionals’.

‘the deposit is 1500 pounds and the admin fees are 97 pounds. Bargain really when you think about it what you are getting for your money’

I have given this ad a great deal of thought actually and I have concluded that there is a spelling mistake in the above sentence. Bargain is spelled ROBBERY when in conjunction with the above figures.

So if you get over the initial shock caused by the fact you are probably going to be flat sharing with people who will not only freely walk around nude, emotionally black mail you into hanging out with them and refer to you in there groups of friends as there ‘cool’ new flat mate. You will also have to pay day light robbery prices for the luxury of doing so, all the while walking 20 minutes longer to the tube station then was advertised in the morning. While walking you will have the nagging suspicion that ginger the cat not only slept on your coat last night but decided to wipe its ass with it. Aren’t we all so blessed to call this city home. Where else could you really get anyway with this sort of thing. Truly.  This is the reason I find it so hard to move.