Thinking of doing a Secret Santa...




Is it me, or has the entire city of London turned into one giant christmas market? Its almost to the point where instead of arranging a festive afternoon as the usual winter market novelties such as ‘winter wonderland or Winter Ville’ you cannot walk 5 metres without stumbling upon some thrown up wood log town bursting at the seams with mulled wine lodges and ring toss games.  Anywhere the path was once big enough to fit two people side by side without invading each others personal space now houses a frankfurter shed belting wizard on repeat while fake snow is spat in your face like an angry penis.  Its fucking everywhere and I fucking love it. 

While battling your way through the crowded streets, filled with half inebriated tourists swaying you may suddenly find yourself full of the christmas spirit. Know this, you need to keep your wits about you. There is a danger that is growing stronger and bigger every year and it pops out of no where and comes in new forms and places it has no business occurring. In the best interest of safety you  need to openly avoid making any more unnecessary plans with any more of lets call them the  ‘half-known acquaintances’ incase they try and embroil you into yet another horror now known as Secret Santa.  Is it me or has secret santa take a hit of pills this year and spread like an STD? Tell me one person you know, that has concocted there christmas present list and has not had to include at lest one secret santa? Its getting to the point where strangers in the street who are caught up in the whole glamour of it all and walking up to each other in the hopes of finding someone new to involve in there secret santa.

 I was sitting on the tube the other day, casually reading my book leaning against the poll thinking of the usual things that come to mind on the tube ‘ putting your make up on underground cannot be healthy for your skin love…. oh no, i leaned my face on this poll again, bet I have someones urine now on my cheek. Oh look its that lady i see everyday and once politely handed her back her dropped iPhone from the floor. Oh no she's making eye contact… just nod and smile oh shit, she's coming over to me’. Looking forward to christmas?’ she asks, off-handed before narrowing her eyes and switching to a more serious tone. ‘ Couple of the commuters that get on at our stop, thought we would all get together and do a bit of a secret santa’. So far we have myself, Mary the lady that takes up two seats over there, yes the lady that eats singlets of cheese straight from the packet and of course you know Paul’ ‘ You do know Paul, you left him have your copy of the metro one evening when you were done with it?’. Anyway we thought we would set a budget of 10 and you know just get each other something funny - just for laugh as its christmas. What do you say?! Ok, truth time, that situation never really did occur. But you get my point. Its ludicrous and i am not talking the wicked music master from the naughties. 

Did you know some people have themed Secret Santa these days? If the budget, the lack of personal knowledge regarding who you are buying for is not enough, lets add the obstacle that the present has to invole lets say the 80’s, Disney or Pixar. Or as I overheard on the tube, RNB? Seriously? Guess everyone and that office got a copy of The lick greatest hits. To be fair, I could think of worst presents. I once got a batman pencil set that was 100% for a kid. I also once got a snuggy, blanket you wear. Bitch please.

Now you need to bust a gut on your lunch break, running around fucking tiger like everyone else picking up useless shit that no one wants to meet the stupid budget set by fucking Pam in accounts.  I swear the budgets are set to see just how ridiculous a present someone could come up with it. ‘This years guys the budget is set to 1 pound 75. This needs to be met exactly.  ‘Ok so i got you karl a roll of tinfoil, 1 tea light candle and a used battery, happy fucking christmas pal, thanks for all your help this year. 

Guys do yourself a favour. Do what I do. Stick to friends and family only. If there is a secret santa, insure it doesn't have a ridiculously low budget that will insure a waste of money better donated to the poor. Do a secret santa if you have too only with those you get on with most and more importantly get your sense of humour. As with these office, tube commuters, people you once peed next to in public jokers, Take serious caution someone is always offended. How was to know you didn’t want a second hand copy of Simply Red Anthony? I don’t fucking know you mate. Amy had to bloody point out where you even sit. Your ginger, isn’t Mick like your God? What ever!

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