New Year equals new me? Probably not.




Morning sunshine How was your time at home? Did you have a good time over the holidays?

How you would want to answer. ‘Feck off, I'm depressed enough about the fact I'm not rich enough to not work yet, do you really want to make me more annoyed on the first day back by regaling you with various tales of frivolity I enjoyed during my time away from the daily slog? You just ruined my coffee this morning, my only solace on the most harrowing of days. cheers for that love. Now if you don't mind I am going to don this black cloak to avoid anyone else intercepting my route back to my office with more small talk regarding the past holidays!’If only society allowed you to answer this way eh? Here’s what your conversation sadly actually looked like

‘Morning, How was your time at home?

Internally screaming and using all your self control to prevent the all-consuming urge to roll your eyes, you turn and say ‘Hello, yes really good thanks. Loved being home. You?’

‘Oh you know great thank you. Over indulged a bit in the old drink and food’.

‘Didn’t we all? When will we learn eh?’

‘You doing dry January. My liver is demanding it of me.’

Get over yourself. Why would I care  that you’re not drinking this month. What you actually say  ‘Oh very good, thinking I'll do the same too actually’ All the while you indulge in a fantasy of opening that bottle of red when you arrive home.

‘Water here on out for the month for me’ 

This is painful. When will this interaction end with Pam, wait is her name Pam, is it Jane? ‘Well yes, better get back to the grindstone, got piles of emails to get through’

‘Oh my god the same, I even had some emails sent to me on the 26th, imagine who is thinking about work then?’

‘I know imagine’ you call as you walk away. Thinking all the while. One awkward holiday inquiry done, millions more to go.  

Here is a little cheat. If you really want my respect. Do not ask me how my Christmas time away was. Just say, well this is shit being back isn’t it. I will turn, nod appreciatively and say yes it is very much shit actually. 

So here we are again, back at the start of a new year. What have I learned. What have I gained? What skills did I pick up the previous year? How will I change for the better? What unrealistic goals will I write on a newly given note pad (probably a Christmas present) to encourage me to stick by them this year? So I can frequently look back at the first page of the note pad that I promised myself was going to be for ideas and thoughtful notes, maybe ideas for books, poems and the likes and will inevitably turn into the place I note down, random bits of information such as phone numbers for banks, lists of food I need to get for dinner and new passwords I set for my accounts that I will no doubt forget are even written down. This is all before of course I forget for the majority of the year that this book exist, then I'll find it in November, read the first page and notice how much of a failure I was again this year. 

It is almost a guarantee that during the first 3 weeks of January, at least 2 of your friends, will loaded multiple pictures of themselves at the gym under the caption - new year, new me. Bring it 2016. #goals. Mary, you’ll be the same size as you always are. The only shape you'll be getting into is an octagon If I told you to go check in with your friends and family the next 4 new year resolutions would be mixed into their  list in some form or another. Below I have given you a blow by blow of my thoughts on each. As in typical me fashion, I will be highly critical. Lets be honest, if I wasn't would you even read my blog or find it humorous?

Loss Weight / Join Gym


By all means, if you want to join a gym and get a bit fitter and ultimately healthier I am all for it. Go do it. Just please do me one favour. Avoid uploading a selfie of you in the gym - do not bombard my Instagram, twitter Facebook, night sky or create supposed  street art wall with your constant reminder that you are in the gym on a Tuesday evening.  I have news for you. You new effort to loss weight, is only of interest to you and maybe the person straddling your body. If anything you’re constant upload of photos you think will be some how inspirational are actually making some of your friends feel bad, so you are actually being a bit of a bitch. 


Give up alcohol / drink less


Here comes the dry January whingers. OK, I get it.  You fancy a month off the booze and if you can do, my God that's great, imagine how great your skin will look with a entire four weeks of the sauce. Does that give you a right to suddenly look down on me ordering a bottle of wine with my dinner? Does that give you the right to, when asked if you would like a drink,  almost become teary eyed and whisper in a brave little voice ‘ no thanks I'm doing Dry January’ with the smuggest face not seen since mother Teresa was helping the poor? While you wait for others at the table to congratulate you and say statements like ‘ wow you are so brave, and to be around drink as well and to not drink how are you coping?’. It's 4 weeks off drink, please get some perspective: you were vomiting on your chest on New Year's Eve outside a McDonald's only a week ago love. You are only doing dry January because your finances are in the gutter. Don't you dare try and guilt this fella over here with his glass of wine.


Find new job / new career


Go for it. If you are one of my friends then I will always encourage you to better your career and locate new more prosperous employment. One small thing. If you do not find a job. Please do not moan constantly about how you hate your current role or how stressful it is. Majority of time, those not moaning on Facebook are under similar stresses they just don't air it all out on Social media.  If you do get a new job.  Please avoid bashing your old role and company and remember some of your friends still work there and although I am sure they are happy you have gotten yourself  a supposed ‘dream job’ - they also don't appreciate someone bashing there current working conditions and plastering how terrible it is for all the world to see. Have a bit of decency and think before you post.

Find a boyfriend / girlfriend


Is there anything more embarrassing then a friend who is so desperate to find someone you can almost smell it, it just kinda wafts off them, like a mixture of cats and strawberry candles mixed with Vera Wang perfume. I am a firm believer that if you are dead set on a goal of marriage boyfriend material etc and match any potential spouse against a score sheet of things they must be ‘ 6 foot, muscles, work in a bank, owns a dog, wear green underwear on a Wednesday whatever it maybe, you are never going to be happy. Setting unrealistic goals of what your supposed man in waiting should be only leaves you open for disappointment ladies.  Take heed and go with the flow.  Obviously go on the old tinder and get them dates lined up for yourself, just stop over judging, over posting, moaning about being alone or to be honest you will be, You and your ten cats.  I will not visit, as I am not fond of cats.


In conclusion


I do not make new year resolutions.  Or at the very least I do not set them as the be all goal I need to aim for in the coming year for one simply reason. Things change. Plans change. Life changes.  In the last year, I changed job and moved house. This was not  because I set some arbitrary goal to achieve these things or because I posted on social media constantly about it. They just happened.  Try and better yourself but do not judge yourself too harshly if the things you want don’t happen in a year.  Stop putting so much pressure on yourself to achieve certain life goals - enjoy your life as it happens and things will work out for themselves.  That's my new year resolution of sorts. Enjoy my life more. Be happy and thankful for what I got. 

P.S. If you go against my warning about constantly remind people how you are going to the gym everyday; you better expect some eyes when I next see you if you are not 4 sizes smaller. I will be all, ‘I'm sorry correct me if I am wrong, is it not a new year and as such, should there not be a new you as your hashtag promised? You will look a right fool Pam.

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